(Warning: the following letter describes a very disturbing suicide; if you are a very sensitive person, please do not read this one)
Dear Papa Bear I only recently learnt about you, and from what I can tell, it'd have been very helpful to know a lot sooner. But, I suppose you play the hand you're dealt, make the best of it and all that. I apologise in advance for taking up you time and there's a couple things some people could find triggering in here, so be warned. For me, everything started about six years ago. I had just got into high school and made friends with a couple guys who were in university. You know, make friends with older, university guys who are all into the same geeky things as you, because your parent decides to send you to a sport focused high school where you get bullied for liking geeky things. Or, that's what I thought at the time anyway. They were really nice guys and we became very good friends over the next three years. There were 2 guys in particular I grew very attached to. Like a father-son/brother kind of relationship. Riaan and Danie. We were almost always together. Either I was with them after school and in the evenings, or I sat in Skype calls and chat rooms with them. Inseparable, you could say. Riaan always said it was like having a younger brother, and he liked that. Partially because he didn't have much of a family. His mother and father hated him, his siblings were continuously told he is the worst of the worst, he didn't really have a pleasant upbringing. Add in the fact that he was severely depressed and often suicidal, cripplingly self doubting and loathing, and had severe anxiety and you have a recipe for disaster. Danie had an abusive father who slept with everything that he couldn't drink, smoke or snort. His mother ended up grabbing him and his brother and leaving. Socially awkward, shy, and nervous, sort of your typical nerd. And then there's me. Father cheated on mother, ran of with his mistress to Tanzania and disappeared. Single mother left trying to raise two kids with the father only caring enough to help when convenient for him. Socially inept, awkward, nervous, permanently stressed out and mildly depressed even at the best of times. Some of our other friends used to joke that we were pretty much just one constant self help seminar. Gave us three a nickname I can't remember. But it was ok. We were happy with the way things were, and we wanted to keep things that way. Everything was fine up to that point... About 3 years ago, I was in my second last year of school, I ran over to go visit Riaan at his little student flatlet. Thought we could finally marathon the resident evil movies, like we'd been saying we should. Funny that I have a really bad memory because of a head injury I got when I was 3, but I can still clearly remember everything about that night, right down to what magazines and games he had laying on his desk. Anyway, walked in, everything was dark, thought a bulb blew or something. I walked in on him sitting in his shower, hunched over. He had gone and taken his father's shotgun, the same one his father took on hunting trips to the Karoo to hunt springbok. I yelled, but nothing, just a loud, sharp ringing in my ears followed by a shower of red. You'd be surprised how loud it actually is.... I can't really remember what he looked like, but I can still clearly remember the grotesque rose on the wall, where every chunk of brain, bone and blood landed. How he sat before, where he fell after. It's this permanent horror still burnt into my eyelids, always there the minute I close them. No notes, no reasons, nothing. His parents arranged a “private funeral” and dumped what was left in an unmarked grave so it could be forgotten. That's when things fell apart. I stopped caring. Danie stopped caring. We gave up. Eventually we forced ourselves and each other to move on. We bottled everything up, pretending we were ok. It worked, for the most part. They all finished their courses, got jobs, I finished school and went off to college. Life went on. Couple of months ago we found out Danie pretty much destroyed his liver. He was down and out for a while, barely alive and dropped off the waiting list unless he stays sober for at least one year. Now I've got this constant feeling of dread hanging over me. I can't focus on anything or get myself to care enough, either. I think I've already given up without even thinking of trying to put up a fight and that's what scares me most. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm sorry about babbling on and taking up your time. I feel like a complete asshole dumping all of this on someone else and asking them to help, but at this point I've written this about a dozen times and chickened out at the last minute. So, I thought, what the hell, if you sit quietly in a corner, nothing will change. But I thank you for your time, and I'm sorry for taking up so much of it. Sincerely, Jean (age 20, South Africa) * * * Dear Jean, That took real courage to write your story to me. I can’t imagine anything as horrible as what you went through when you witnessed your friend’s violent suicide. Please do not apologize or in any way think you are taking up my time. This is what I’m here for, although I have to admit this one may be out of my league. As you know, I am not a licensed psychotherapist. It might be clichéd, but have you sought one out? In part of your letter, you say that you and Danie moved on, but I don’t believe you have. Danie is killing himself with alcohol and you are deeply, deeply scarred. What Riaan’s parents did to the body is an insult to his memory. I understand what they did, but I won’t condone it. All three of you are victims of a society that doesn’t accept those who are different. For a while, you found a solution by creating your own support group, but Riaan, sadly, fell apart and shattered that circle. Normally, when someone goes through a tragic loss such as this, I tell them to seek out support, perhaps go to grief counseling or a local support group of people who have lived through the same thing. In your case, however, I worry that this would just remind you of the trio you already once had, and that would just bring back sad memories. Nevertheless, educating yourself about the grieving process, which is unique when it comes to suicide, may help. Here is a website that has useful information. If you are religious, you might also seek out help from your local church or temple. But there are several other things I would like to suggest you do, too. First, make sure you are not blaming yourself for any of this. Riaan’s suicide is not not not not your fault. I’m not sure you’re feeling that way, but if you are you have to get that notion out of your mind. Second, if you are feeling powerless, empower yourself by being there for Danie. This will help both of you. Danie internalized his grief, and the result is that his grief manifested itself in alcoholism. You’re also internalizing your grief and damaging yourself in a different way. Have you allowed yourself to cry? Grieving is a catharsis that you must go through before you can continue with your life. You might also be angry at Riaan for what he did. That’s okay, too. Let it out. Yell, scream, shout out your anger. It doesn’t make you a bad person to be angry, and, once you let out that anger, you will feel much better and, actually, not feel so angry anymore. It is very unhealthy to keep grief and anger inside you. I cannot emphasize that enough. The next thing you need to do is recognize that in life we often go through major transitions. I have gone through two of them: my attempted suicide at age 18, and the discovery, at 40, that I was gay. Both times, it was like I died and was reborn. Both times were extremely difficult for me, but I managed to emerge on the other side. Riaan’s suicide is like that. The breakup of your circle is like that. A phase of your life has died, but that doesn’t mean you are at the end of life. You are in transition. Recognize that you are in a transitional phase of life, not at the end of it. This feeling of dread hanging over you is the image of Riaan’s suicide repeating in your soul like a broken LP. The Buddhists have something called a 49th Day Ceremony. They believe that when someone dies, there is a 49-day period called the bardo that is a time between one life and the next. After the bardo the soul is reincarnated into the next life. Although Riaan died three years ago, you can still perform a ceremony not so much for him but for you (and Danie). My suggestion to you is that you create a ceremony that is significant and specific to you. It should include two parts: in the first part, you commemorate the old life, and in the second part you celebrate the new. For example, you could take something that was Riaan’s or that signifies Riaan’s life in some way, tie it to a helium balloon, and let it soar far far away. Then, in celebration of the new life, you could, say, plant a tree in his name and let that tree’s new life represent his. After performing this ceremony for Riaan, guess what? Do the same for yourself. You need a rebirth, as well. Again, if you can convince him, get Danie in on this, as well. Ceremonies are not an empty gesture. There is a reason that we have them in all religious, spiritual, and cultural traditions. They are a way of giving form to concepts and beliefs that would otherwise seem too abstract to us. They help us to cope with—and celebrate—the changes that are inevitable in life. In essence, Jean, the reason you are feeling the way you are is because, despite what you think, you haven’t actually moved on and you haven’t grasped the idea of life and death as a transition, not an ending. With transitions, there is hope, while the idea of death as an ending offers no hope. Embrace that life is in flux. Nothing really dies, sweetie. It just changes. It’s okay to grieve over the loss of what once was and to miss your friend, but please see that this is not the end of hope. There is always hope, love, and rebirth; they are as much a part of life as death is. Hugs, Papabear
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Dear Papabear,
Remember the letter I sent you some months back? Anyways. I was really surprised that the letter got so much attention that another person decided to write a blog regarding said issue... I guess its time I ought to say what's been going on now. Two weeks ago, I recently came out to my Mom on Facebook after the announcement that the US said that we can marry anyone we like. The constant outcry on Twitter, Facebook, and other social media is kinda what drove me to this state to tell her, and I couldn't stand the pressure any longer. As per usual, she told me that she could not wrap her arms around it. (Embrace me, being gay) But to be honest, I kinda expected that. Her having Christian values and whatnot makes things difficult especially with one is a "non-denominational" Christian. Or in this case: part of this church. Anyways, I have Facebook screenshots, text messages and even recorded phone calls in case I'm missing anything, and she doesn't believe that I was born this way. She has hampered me down with, "come back to the light of truth", and "bad company corrupts good character", which in my opinion, I don't think being gay considers being a bad character, unless for instance you happen to do things that qualify as being a "prick", excuse my language. I have tons to share with you if I could. But I don't think its necessary. She basically told me that I'm grasping for an identity that and she told me to develop the one I have. But I have told her time and time again that I'm not heterosexual and I've suppressed it years ago, and started questioning since October of last year. I did not yell or argue at her. I was being very patient and listening to what she had to say, however eye-rolling it may be to listen. But I wouldn't retort back if someone were to say "you're going to hell", because that's not the kind of person I am. I love my Mom, whether if she were to disown me or not. That's what love is, its not just "I love you, on one condition", its UNCONDITIONAL. And I don't want to push her away because I love her very, very much. And I feel like I'm being selfish choosing my own happiness against what society is all about. Even though, THAT'S THE IDEA, right? So what do I do? I love my Mom very much and I know she can't accept me being gay. I mean there are a couple other family members who won't accept it, not just her. But she's the MAIN one. I don't want to disappoint her. What's your wisdom on this? Wolfthorne * * * Hi, Wolfthorne, Yes, I remember your letter :-) And I’m very proud of you for coming out to your mother. Recently, an article was published in Discover magazine (“The Irrationalist in You,” July-August 2015) about how to argue effectively with people who hold views that you understand to be incorrect. One study surveyed people who believed that inoculating their children was dangerous, even lethal. Despite showing them all kinds of scientific studies proving them to be wrong, they still held their original beliefs. People often hold beliefs not because of evidence or experience but, rather, because of cultural influences and how they were raised. They form cherished systems of how to perceive their world, and when you challenge those beliefs they become fearful because you are questioning their entire worldview. Your mother believes that being gay is a choice and that by accepting Christ you can reject that “choice” and become straight again. You know this is wrong-headed thinking, but what to do? Well, kudos to you for declaring you love your mother unconditionally; that’s great. But you get a light thwok on the noggin for feeling guilty about choosing your own happiness over “what society is all about.” Society is wrong and it is wrong a lot. So why are you trying to conform to something that you know is wrong? Be as courageous as when you told your mother about your sexuality and stand firm in being yourself. The Discover article offers several strategies for arguing your case. The first one you already mastered, and that’s listening patiently to what the other person has to say. You also nailed another strategy on the head that the article lists, and that’s discussing the topic in person, rather than online or in a letter. Another strategy is to relate to the other person on their level, which means using the Bible to argue against her argument. There are about half a dozen passages that Christians use as ammunition against the LGBT community. Four of those passages are from the Old Testament, which the New Testament is supposed to overrule. In other words, Christians should follow the rules in the NT, making rules in the OT obsolete (a good thing, because it contains silly rules such as forbidding the planting of different crops side by side but allowing polygamy). I've actually heard some Christians declare: "I'm an Old Testament Christian." That's nonsense because, if true, it actually means you're Jewish. Christians should follow the new Word of God, not the old. As for the few NT passages referencing homosexual acts: those were really geared against the Romans, who often engaged in nonconsensual sex with boys and with their slaves. In other words, the NT was really talking about aggressive sex where a man forced himself on a boy or other man. Here is an extremely useful article about this. Learn the Bible and also the historical context in which it was written and you will be able to use your mother’s Christian perspective to explain that God doesn't command Christians to condemn homosexuals (even the Pope said we shouldn’t judge, noting, too, that Christianity is supposed to be about compassion and love, not being judgmental and hateful to others). In conjunction with this (and, actually, perhaps before you do the above), ask your mother, specifically, what she knows about what the Bible says about homosexuals. I mean, she needs to point out the passages and reread them. According to the Discover article, when people are asked to explain their beliefs and support them, those beliefs can be swayed toward a more moderate position. You would be surprised how many anti-gay Christians don't even know the Bible and many haven't even read it or have only read parts of it (for a very long time the Catholic Church actually forbade the laity to read the Bible, and many Christians still allow the clergy to interpret it for them instead of reading it closely for themselves [in case you're wondering, yes, Papabear has read the Bible cover to cover]). Finally, getting passed the Bible, ask her what she knows about the LGBT community. What does she think gay people are all about? Does she think it’s all about having big sex parties? You know what I’m doing right now as I type this? I’m watching reruns of “The Big Bang Theory” as my partner of 10 years plays solitaire on his laptop. Let the bacchanalia begin! Also, just FYI, same-sex couples have a lower divorce rate than hetero couples, according to one study. On that bit of evidence, one might say gay couples are more moral because they tend to not divorce. One last point made by the article in Discover I’d like to emphasize is the importance of assuring the other person—in this case, Mom—that she is important, valuable, and to be respected. It is vital that her sense of importance, her ego, remain high so that she doesn’t feel under attack or that you are denigrating her in any way. I don’t see this as a problem for you, since you clearly value having her in your life. All of this is no guarantee you will sway her mind. You can only do your best. It might be that she and the couple other members of your family who have a problem with LGBT people will never understand you. Even if that’s true, it doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t love you. You can agree to disagree and still be a family, so keep that in mind. It’s not all or nothing. The best situation would be that she is the one who “sees the light,” but if that doesn’t happen, hopefully she will still leave a light on for you and always accept you as her son. Hugs, Papabear Hi there, Papabear,
I've written to you about two or three times before and you've helped me out which was great, but now I seem to have a few new problems, although I'll just stick with one for this letter. Perhaps I can ask you another question after this is dealt with. I'm using a different pseudonym for now if we deal with the second question which is a touchier subject. This is something that I think may relate back to my therianthropy for the most part, but not completely. Basically I am finding myself agitated much more easily by many things, but especially humans. There are just so many things that humans do and say that really get on my nerves, although lately I seem to have had a shorter temper than usual. I think about myself after I get angry and agitated, thinking that I seem to be becoming a meaner person, despite wanting to be nice. My anger and irritation which can be caused by any small annoyance that have been able to previously ignore, is not as bad compared to how agitated I feel when a person says or does something to do with human superiority. Sometimes in my mind when I'm angry, I can only think of despising the human race (although I do acknowledge that not all humans are bad), and see them as an enemy. Hypothetically speaking, when I'm in this mood, if there were ever somehow a war between humanity and mother nature, I would join mother nature without hesitation to defend her and fight back... Even if it were to involve killing combatants... And well, that's not me, if I had a clear head, I would very much rather a peaceful resolution... Anyway, whilst I lost a little track in that example, I was wondering if you had any idea (although I would understand if you don't) of how I could calm myself and not be so acidic and aggressive? And please try to come up with something other than meditation and anger management methods, since I already do meditate and use them. Also, just tell me if it's okay for me to ask my second question, which is quite separate from this issue. Agitated and Confused Therian (age 18) * * * Dear Agitated, I know exactly what you mean, my friend. Many is the time that I’ve wanted to resign from the human race and fantasized about being a bear living a simple life in the woods far far away from “civilization.” There are, truly, many things that are reprehensible about Homo sapiens, particularly its warlike, selfish, greedy nature—the fact that humans have polluted this planet to within an inch of its life; that they’ve literally caused the extinction of thousands of species that would be alive today if it weren’t for humans; and so on. I believe that many furries such as me like being furries because at least a part of them doesn’t want to be a human (the other side being the desire to become their species of choice). On the other paw—as you have pointed out—certainly not all humans are awful, despicable monsters (furries are, after all, human!) Human beings have created some amazing things, including music, art, dance, literature, architecture, and so on. There are caring, loving people out there who believe, as I do, that we are all connected to each other and to the natural world, and who do their best to care for these things unselfishly. You should realize, too, that the natural world is not always such an idyllic place. Animals and even plants can be guilty of what we would see as very cruel and immoral behaviors. For example, when a dominant male lion takes over the pride of another male lion, it will kill all the cubs sired by the male he defeated. Bears, too, have been known to kill the cubs of other papabears. Chimpanzee troops have been known to conduct very human-like wars against each other. Chipmunks, when in need of protein, will raid a bird's nest and eat the chicks there (you thought they only ate veggies, right? Oh, Alvin!) The pitcher plant lures insects into its trap and slowly dissolves them to death. The fungi of the genus Ophiocordyceps--the “zombie fungi”—infect the brains of ants and make these insects do their bidding before eating their heads. Speaking of heads, the female praying mantis, after mating, will eat the male's head! Yes, Mother Nature ain’t always pretty. One might argue that these animals and plants are only doing what instinct tells them to do and that they are not deliberately being mean or even murderous, whereas human beings do know what they are doing and much of what they do might be considered unnecessary. Really, in most cases, we’re giving humans too much credit by saying such things. They, just as with “lesser” animals, are controlled by instincts, hormones, base desires. As I like to say, “If something is being done that’s really stupid, it’s for one of two reasons: money or sex.” The desire for money and sex are both instinctive: money is just a modern-day version of food and other necessities (you need money to buy food, clothes, shelter), and sex is merely the nature-driven mandate to reproduce. Most human behavior is driven by the desire for these two things (the desire for power translates into money and sex). Therefore, when most humans say they are “superior” to the “lesser” animals, they are, as you know, only fooling themselves. Our lives and civilization are more complex than, say, a horse’s or a tulip’s, but they are in no way innately “better.” Humans have long been trying to define what makes—they feel—humans better than other animals. We have pointed to our brains, for example. Yes, our brains are bigger and we are, objectively speaking, more intelligent, but that’s really just a matter of degree, and our intelligence certainly hasn’t prevented a lot of tragedy in our world. It was once said that humans are different because we make tools. Then such people as Jane Goodall pointed out that other animals use tools, too. Again, the tools are not as sophisticated, but they are tools, nonetheless. Others would point to compassion: that humans sometimes help others selflessly in a way that cannot be defined by survival instincts—even helping other species on occasion. But other animals have shown such compassion, as well. For example, dolphins saving drowning swimmers or, as I recently saw, a little duckling feeding hungry fish its bread crumbs (things that make you go “Awwwwww!”) Yet another attempt was saying that humans have language. Again, that doesn’t work as an argument for superiority. We’ve learned that other animals have languages, too, some quite sophisticated, such as the echoey call of the grey whale. For there to be a true distinction between humans and animals, we need to point out something that is not just a matter of degree, such as intelligence, tool-making, language, etc. There is only one characteristic of humans that I know of that no other animals practices: religion and spirituality. You and I both know that it is because of religion that there has been a hell of a lot of killing in the world. I won’t go into that history. Books have been filled with these tales. The sort of monotheistic religions we see today are a sad deviation from the original spirituality that more “primitive” peoples had—and many still have, such as Native Americans, Australian aborigines, and modern-day Wiccans. While there are many good things about monotheistic religions—and I know many good and caring Christians and Jews (so, dear readers, please, no letters that I hate Christians and such—I get it, believe me), and I also recently edited a book about Islam that explains how real Islam is not at all the corrupt and violent ideology practiced by Islamists—here’s the rub: the Big Three teach that the natural world is a world of the devil, of temptation, of evil, and the only good place is God’s Kingdom of Heaven. In essence, religious people actually look forward to death as an escape from this world (their entire lives are spent "doing good" as a way to buy a stairway to heaven and save their souls from eternal damnation—one result of this philosophy is suicide bombers), while spiritualists celebrate life in all its forms. This philosophy of the Big Three is the fundamental reason why peoples in the Old World of Europe and the Middle East established a hostile, antithetical relationship with Nature. When Europeans came to the Americas and discovered people living in harmony with nature, they immediately labeled them as heathens and pagans, destroying their culture and converting as many as possible to Christianity. (Actually, you can think of earlier times than that, too, when Christians did the same thing to "pagans" in Europe and the British Isles). Take us a couple centuries into the future from those early days and we now see the results of choosing a hostile, rather than cooperative, relationship with Nature. We have now come to a time that is a crossroads. Humanity is splitting into two groups: one group adheres to the old ways of viewing Nature as a resource to be used; the other group sees that unless we change our ways and return to the days when we lived in harmony with Nature, the result will be not only the destruction of Earth but the destruction of our species (here’s an interesting article for your reading pleasure on the topic). I personally believe that this split will represent a new chapter in evolution. It will not be a physical evolution but, more significantly, a spiritual revolution that will result in a new species of humanity--Homo novus. Those who are among the Awakened have the best chance of contributing to this new branch of the evolutionary tree, as well as the best chance of saving their very spirits from the trap of selfishness and short-sightedness that will be the dead end for Homo sapiens, a species that foolishly believes itself to be at the apex of evolution. Although there is nothing wrong with meditation (I recommend it), I won’t tell you to do that. What I’ve written above is meant to help you see what is going on and help you understand your anger and frustration. You should recognize, too, that hatred only hurts the hater in the end. You have already seen that happening to you. You identify yourself as, fundamentally, a kind and peaceful person, but your hatred is changing you, and not in a good way. Instead of hatred, therefore, actively seek enlightenment. Awaken your spirit to the Big Picture and actively move yourself to evolve toward the Homo novus state of being. One last note: I recently attended Biggest Little Furcon in Reno with my mate, Yogi. He’s a bit older than me and recalls the 60s better than I do (I was born in ’65). Anyway, we were walking down the hallway and he observed that furries reminded him a lot of the Hippies of the 60s. “Free spirits” he called them; people not locked into the conservative, socially acceptable and mandated ways of our modern world. Part of this observation might also have been inspired by the con’s theme, which was a kind of Big Brother Meets Furry thing (by the way, BLFC imbued the con with the selected theme better than any furcon I’ve attended before—bravo). I think that a lot of furries get it (which is why it bothers me that too many of them anesthetize their brains with obsessive game play; some gaming is fine, but too much is a trap and a waste of life, and it also plays into the hands of the corporations seeking to suck people dry of their money). I think a lot of furries, however, understand they have to walk a new path to find happiness and a connection to Nature and the brothers and sisters who share this planet with us. I hope that helps. Hugs from the Bear, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I'm an agnostic atheist, but my mom and some of her friends believe in New Age things such as psychics and crystals that have special powers. As far as I'm aware, a lot of, if not all, New Age stuff is pseudoscience, which would mean that people who sell crystals, charge for psychic readings, etc. are knowingly or unknowingly scamming people. There is the possibility of people (not necessarily my mom or her friends, just anyone in general) using New Age alternative medicine in lieu of science-backed, proven-to-work medicine, and dying as a result. I also object to the "Law of Attraction", which states that the good things you experience are directly because of your thoughts and implies that the same is true for negative experiences including debilitating illnesses like AIDS or cancer. This philosophy also implies that the best course of action is to brush negative people off, even if those people are friends/family, and to suppress any negative emotions such as fear or anger (I used to do the latter, and my doctor told me it was bad). Also, I've heard that many New Age beliefs are appropriated from Eastern cultures (e.g., the New Age idea of chakras vs the original Hindu concept), which seems reprehensible. In addition to these moral objections, I also worry for my tulpas (I've gained a few since my last letter, by the way). One of them looks like this: http://s7.photobucket.com/user/Yangmio/media/FMA/TuckerChimera_ReferenceSheet.png.html, and two of them look similar to this: http://www.fullmetal-alchemist.com/forums/uploads/1156353980/gallery_38076_736_8798.jpg (this was the only one I could find that highlighted their fluffy-looking coats). Let's say that my mom finds out I have tulpas. I see it as possible that she will make a snap judgement and declare the three "monstrous" ones to be malevolent based solely on their appearances. I hold this belief because I asked a New Age YouTube what he thought of those tulpas' appearances; he hasn't written back yet, but knowing that he ascribes stereotypically masculine and feminine traits to "male energy" and "female energy" respectively, he'd probably say that they're as evil as they look. In addition, I've heard from one source that "negative entities" will pretend to be on your side, can give you headaches*, and generally cause you to experience negative things like nausea or fear**, although there doesn't seem to be a consensus on just what negative entities do. Possibly, my mom might think that my three other tulpas are malevolent, despite them not looking monstrous in the slightest. I inexplicably think that it'd be impossible to convince her otherwise. If it's relevant, one of them objects to New Age stuff because she feels like it keeps the scientific community from taking tulpas seriously. Basically, I'm worried that my mom might be headed down a road that could damage her physical and emotional health, morals, and wallet (it may sound selfish, but I feel that any money she spends on New Age things would be better spent putting me through college or paying whatever hypothetical bills need to be paid), and cause her to worry about me unnecessarily (although her jumping to conclusions that I'm mentally ill would probably be as bad as her jumping to the conclusion that I've attracted evil spirits to myself). Would attempting to "deconvert" my mom from New Age beliefs be the right thing to do, or would I be infringing on her right to freedom of religion? *I've had minor headaches that I interpret as my brain adapting to housing multiple minds. **I've sometimes been distressed by irrational worries that my mom secretly knows about/disapproves of my tulpas, but only once by the "monstrous" tulpas themselves (they originated as intrusive thoughts). I felt guilty that one of them, Nina, had to temporarily change her appearance/hide who she was so that I could learn to see her as a person who just happens to look weird, instead of as a monster. I also felt guilty for trying to get rid of them just because I was scared of how they looked. Alec (age 20) * * * Dear Alec, Your letter puzzles this old bear. You’re openly hostile about your mother’s beliefs in “New Age” practices, saying, for instance, that is a scam and counter to well-established science, and yet you believe in tulpas, which are most definitely in the realm of mysticism. Furthermore, you complain that her beliefs emanate from Eastern cultures and you find this “reprehensible.” But! Dear Alec, where do you think the idea about tulpas came from? Tibet and other Eastern cultures! So, what’s the deal, hon? Gosh, if that isn’t a double standard, this bear doesn’t know what is. Fundamentally, you are saying that it’s okay for you to believe in a mystical spirit but if your mother does it, it’s wrong. That ain’t right. Then you ask me if it would be justified to “deconvert” your mother so she no longer has these beliefs (although how you’d go about that, I have no clue), yet you are frightened that if your mother discovers your tulpas she’ll forbid you to believe in them. Do you not see what’s happening here? You wouldn’t like it if your mother told you “no tulpas allowed,” but you think it might be okay for you to tell her she is wrong about her own beliefs? You ask if you are being selfish. Um, yes, you are. Your selfishness is also revealed in the statement that you are offended your mother spends money on “New Age things” when she should be spending it on your college education. Lemme tell ya something, me bucko. Your mother is not obligated to pay for your college education. In fact, she was in her legal rights to boot you out the door two years ago when you were 18. Anything above and beyond that she gives you out of the goodness of her heart and her love for you. Maybe you should try being grateful for that instead of being so resentful. Take a good look at yourself, Alec. Perhaps those images of tulpas are rather ugly because there is something not so attractive in you. The good news is you can fix that. In fact, Papabear predicts that if you would focus on being a selfless, loving, caring son and human being, your tulpas would morph into something quite beautiful. Think on it, Papabear Dear PapaBear,
I've been somewhat lurking and neglecting to post this on here for some time, but in all honesty... I might be dead by the morning light. I only have one question for you and anyone who wants to answer it, but I might need to establish some background first. 10 years ago, I figured out I was wrong. Wrong for existing, wrong for not doing well at scholastics, and wrong most of all for not being the Christian man I should be. I was molested by a younger man (whose name shall remain anonymous for his protection, not a fur though)at the age of 11, he was 9 at the time. I tried to secure the newfound friendship because of my family's (then) recent bonding with his family. Both families being very devout Christians, and homeschoolers seemed like a perfect match and I wanted that to happen between him and myself... I was tricked into being molested, and was told never to tell about it; but for three years I waited until I couldn't take the hatred, disgust and desire to murder the kid anymore. I exploded in anger, wishing I was never born when he was assigned to a group for a game. that next week, I told my parents. They couldn't believe it. I internalized the anger and redirected it from him, back to myself, for being wrong. 10 years ago, I also figured out I liked guys. Mainly I had crushes on both male and female kid celebrities and equated the usual hangout with full blown sex at the time… Making my attraction to guys and abomination, and making ME an abomination. I knew what the Bible said about Gays as much as any 9 year old would… not much except you had to change or (in my understanding) kill myself to get rid of this “abomination”. My heart was broken, full of self hatred and guilt for not being the right Christian, and desiring my complete and total destruction. but then, my cousin committed suicide at the age of 12, me being a year younger, he was the closest person I had to a brother. because of how harmful his suicide was to the whole family, I knew I couldn't do that… even though I still believe its what God wants and what the Christians want since I’m Bisexual today. Because of this, I can ask this question.. What should I do? Live a miserable life hating my entire existence and fighting the urge every 5 seconds to self harm and wound myself; or Live a free life but losing the family and people I love in the process? I should also add, I’m a third year sophomore going for a mechanical engineering degree (via Tennessee Tech University and Motlow College) to possibly make characters come to life in the future. I’ve never dated for all 21 years of life, and I live in the Bible Belt Buckle Of Tennessee (no getting away from Christian Hatred). My father is a minister, my mother is very devout, my sister is a successful student athlete gymnast in Georgia, and I just try to keep myself from committing suicide because its wrong. Everyone wants me to live. But only if its their way, or some sort of way that is decreed by the Bible or something else…. All in all, I hate myself, but don't want to, and want to freely live without these thoughts of guilt and hatred towards myself. Please respond soon, Slayton James Talon (age 21) * * * Dear Slayton, As you might have noticed, I just published a similar letter about being gay and Christian. If you haven’t seen it, please read it, too. I’m sorry to hear about how you were sexually molested. Extraordinary that your assailant was only nine years old. I can imagine that the negative impact that had on your psyche is part of your self-loathing now. You have the double whammy of not only feeling the disapproval of the local Christian community, but also of all the guilt and shame that comes from being sexually assaulted by someone who was supposed to be a friend. Before I go further, if you are indeed having suicidal thoughts, please stop reading this letter and pick up the phone right now and call the suicide prevention line at 1-800-273-8255 and talk to one of the trained counselors there. Whatever happens in your life, it is not worth killing yourself over. The core of your struggles here is your belief that you are a bad person. This belief is based on the judgments of other people. If you look, though, you will find still other people who will say that you are a good person. It all depends upon whom you are listening to. You are living in a conservative region, so it’s not surprising your ears are filled with the hatred people in that region evidently have for LGBT people. In Papabear’s opinion, there is a simple way to determine whether someone is a good person or a person who is doing bad things. A bad person says and does things that hurt others (often deliberately, but often with “good intentions”—and don’t forget that the road to Hell is paved with good intentions). Good people do not harm others, and very good people do things to help others. Given this measuring stick, how would you judge the people who would hate you and make your life miserable because you are gay? Given that, why would you listen to people who are bad or misguided? The wise person does not allow the words of a fool to trouble his ears. As a gay person, you are in some good company of people who are quite amazing. The list includes Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Tchaikovsky, Oscar Wilde, Walt Whitman, E. M. Forster, Alan Turing, John Maynard Keynes, Cole Porter, Noel Coward, Aaron Copeland, Christian Dior, Laurence Olivier, Elton John, Ellen DeGeneres, and Neil Patrick Harris, just to name a few. On top of that, the Pope himself recently said we shouldn’t be judging gay people (recalling his Bible, no doubt—as in, “Let he without sin cast the first stone” and “Judge not, lest ye be judged.”) Even Queen Elizabeth II recently was quoted to say that she thinks gay marriage is a wonderful thing. So, you see, Slayton, it’s all about the company you keep. Surround yourself with negative, hateful, petty, narrow-minded people, and you are going to get depressed quite quickly, as you are now experiencing. Instead, surround yourself in positive, loving people. For example, there is a website called Gay Christian Survivors that has a super message about acceptance. You can also try the Gay Christian Network. God, dear Slayton, is about LOVE. God is about ACCEPTANCE. God is about CHARITY. God is about HOPE. Anyone—ANYONE—who is counter to these fundamental values of the Loving God has no right to call him/herself a Christian (or Jew, or Muslim) in my honest opinion. God does not want you to hate yourself, Slayton. Hatred, whether directed at others or oneself, makes the Lord weep. At this point, it might sound to you like I’m a Christian. Well, no, I just believe that God (however you want to define Him) is about love and kindness and community. I do not believe in a God who wants war, terror, bombings, killings, prejudice, envy, greed, and selfishness. Call me a nut, but that’s what this bear believes. To answer your question: you need to live your life as you, and you need to fill your life with people who sincerely love you for you. If that means that some of your family have to go because they hate all gay people, then you are better off without them. Finish your schooling, get your degree, and move somewhere where you can find love and acceptance. There are many places all over the world, from San Francisco to the Netherlands, where you will be more comfortable (why do you think I’m in Palm Springs and not in Michigan, which made gay marriage illegal in its state constitution). It might be hard to uproot yourself, but it will be the healthy thing to do. In the meantime, reach out to the gay Christian community. There are thousands of others out there just like you. Always remember: God is Love. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
To start off, two things. I am very sorry to hear about your family member! I've had a TON of surgeries, like, 12? (I have a MAJOR fear of them, though. It's the only thing that can make me break down nowadays.) I definitely feel their pain, and I hope for their quickest recovery. Can you make them some yummy hot chocolate, on me? Second, you're probably wondering, "What's with this secrecy?" Well... I have written to you once before, only once, and I just don't want to feel like I'm swamping you with letters. I was so excited and overjoyed by your response and the way you responded, I kinda forgot to proofread my comment... Heh... Whoops. My mind kinda just tends to word vomit like that, and the product is anything but graceful. Speaking of word vomit, I should probably start with my question now. The subject of this letter is a bit of a sore spot for me. I've dwelled and dwelled over it almost all my life: Religion. I don't live in the Bible belt, but the community I'm surrounded by is extremely Christian. My family, my friends... My friends go to church, I'm not sure if they truly believe in God, and my family does believe in God. Now, being Atheist... I feel a little exiled. As if I don't belong. Just last Sunday, a friend spent the night. They left for church early the next morning. This wasn't a problem for me, didn't make me feel awkward. Later, however, I went over to my best friend's house. I've know her since kindergarten, but ever since I became Atheist, I feel so unwelcomed in her home. I've always felt kinda awkward there, her parents aren't the nicest folks and always made me feel awkward, but when they left for church, too.... The feeling of being a black sheep was overwhelming. I don't know your religious beliefs, and I hope mine do not offend you. I really do apologize if they do. A lot of families here are religiously involved. There's this friendly priest that visits our house. I hide up in my room to avoid said priest, even though I really think he's a nice guy. Nobody knows about my beliefs. My mom knows I'm not 100% into the whole "God" ordeal, but she doesn't know about my beliefs. Told my friend jokingly, so I don't think she believes that these are my thoughts. To sum up.... How do I get over this looming feeling of exile around such a religious community? Should I tell my family the whole story, or keep my trap shut? Thank you again. You're an amazing guy! From your slightly embarrassed fur, Anonymous (age 14) * * * Hello, Fellow Furry, Gosh, I’m sorry for all your surgeries. I wonder, offpaw, if your suffering in any way contributed to your becoming an atheist? Sometimes, when people endure a lot of pain and personal loss, they begin to question whether God really exists and, if God does exist, why do awful things happen to good people and good things happen to wicked people? But that’s an entirely different topic.... Quickly about my personal beliefs, so you understand where I’m coming from: I’m not a religious person in that I do not follow any organized, culturally approved faith; however, I am a spiritual person in that I believe there is a lot more going on in the universe than simply the matter, energy, and physical laws we can observe around us. Do I believe there is some guy with a white beard and robe sitting on a throne on a cloud surrounded by pearly gates and fencing with little cherubs fluttering around? No, that’s silly. I don’t think God is a separate being; rather, everything around us and in us is God; we are bits of embodied spirit unified by spiritual energy. Because we are limited by our perceptions within our physical bodies and living in a physical universe, however, we are vulnerable to misinterpreting the true nature of existence. This has resulted in many people being disconnected from their true spiritual selves, which, in turn, leads to the misunderstanding that the only way to reach God is through a priestly class that serves as an intermediary. You do not have to be religious to believe in spiritual energy and the beauty of something beyond and grander than our physical world. And, actually, the more we learn about physics—from the incredibly tiny to the mind-boggling immense—the more I believe in a greater spiritual existence. Science and God are not incompatible; they are one. Your friends and family are allowing themselves to be led by social convention (as you note, a lot of your friends go to church but they probably just do so because that is what is expected of them, not because they are particularly religious). The vast majority of people who consider themselves religious follow those faiths they were raised on and told from a very tender age were “the truth,” and anyone who believes differently is wrong, misguided, or even evil and a threat. This mindset becomes particularly bad when it becomes an extremist faith that says it is okay—even righteous—to kill others who don’t believe as they do. The result has been a string of religious conflict that has murdered untold millions. Many people who realize this have lost their faith because they have seen all the suffering it has caused and they blame religion. Actually, it’s not the religion, it is the people who practice it and warp it who are causing the pain. People do not like to have their beliefs challenged. That’s because to be told that something you believed in from the time you were able to understand language is wrong (or, at least, not entirely correct) is frightening. Not only is it frightening, but it challenges one to think, and many people do not like to think for themselves; it’s much easier just to do as one is told and then call it “faith.” The reason you feel isolated and rejected, therefore, is because you represent a challenge to the shelter of blind faith that so many people take comfort in. To use a pop culture metaphor, you are like the red pill in the Matrix: when swallowed, it shows them that the world is entirely different than what they thought; not only is it different, but it requires action on their part to return reality to its proper path. That’s scary, even terrifying. Much more cozy to take the blue pill and believe the virtual world of your existence that you understand so well is the truth (interestingly, there is now a theory proposed by Gerard t’Hooft that our existence is, in fact, a giant hologram). To your question of “How do I get over this looming feeling of exile around such a religious community? Should I tell my family the whole story, or keep my trap shut?” Let’s take into account, firstly, that you are 14 years old. This is awfully young to reach any definitive conclusions about your belief system and, trust me, it will likely change in some or many ways before you’re my age. (I applaud you vigorously for not blindly accepting what you are told about God, however). So, instead of telling your parents and others that you are an atheist, tell them that you are undecided and that you wish to actively explore your religious/spiritual side. To do so, you should keep an open mind about all faiths, including Christianity. This means, in turn, that you must socialize with people in your community who are Christians to further observe the practice and consequences of their faith. In addition, you need to recognize that people are more than just their faith (just as they are more than just their sexual orientation, gender, income level, physical abilities, etc.) The fellow you mentioned who is a priest and a nice guy: he sounds like someone worth knowing. There is absolutely no reason why you cannot have friends—good friends—who have a belief system that doesn’t match your own. I have some very dear Christian friends and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Even the religious community is beginning to realize the advantages of interfaith organizations (often teaming up Jewish and Christian communities, but others as well). It is the wise person who recognizes that one can learn a lot about life by talking to others who have a different interpretation of the world. Talk less, listen more. I would like to further recommend to you that you go out and explore other faiths. Visit a Jewish temple or Islamic mosque. Try a Unitarian Universalist church. Learn about Eastern faiths and philosophies, such as Jainism, Shinto, Buddhism, Taoism, Hinduism, Sufism, Zoroastrianism etc. etc. Also, there is much to learn of shamanistic beliefs of indigenous cultures, such as in Africa, Oceania, and the Americas. You can, even further, study the great philosophers and schools of thought, including Sophism, Deism, Stoicism, Platonism, Neopositivism, Hedonism, Existentialism, Epicureanism, Agnosticism ... well, you get the idea. Since the first primitive human gazed up into the sky, looking at the stars and Moon, and wondered what they were and what he was, people have been trying to figure out their lives and find meaning in them. By questioning what people believe and why people believe, you will embark on a spiritual quest that can last your entire life. And! To do this properly, you will need to talk to people, which will, in turn, do the OPPOSITE of isolating you. Instead of hiding from the nice priest or minister who comes into your home for a visit, come down the stairs from your room and start asking him questions about his faith. Talk to others in your community as well; and, if you can, find people who are Jewish or Muslim or follow any other faith and ask them about what they believe and why. Truth be told, hon, none of us mere mortals truly understands what God is. My belief is just what I've come to given my experiences and readings. Exploring that side of ourselves is part of what makes us human. You have concluded you are an atheist, but that is a conclusion based on a mere 14 years of life! So, I say to you, don’t be too hasty. Open your mind and heart and you will see that there are many paths that lead to the same goal. As long as you are a good and kind person, your path will lead you in the right direction. Blessed Be, Papabear Hi. I talked to you before. I just wanted to let you guess due to my own reasons to avoid being annoying. You probably already know who I am. But I been thinking, it's about that relationship thing we talked about a long time ago. A long time ago, you claim that having a relationship with 'imaginary' beings was "unhealthy". Then you might of understood something and changed, but wasn't sure today when thinking back. To be honest.. In a way, I have these “relationships” all the time and it's often based off theories that involves the “spiritual world,” “God,” “mind creates reality,” etc., etc. For example, sometimes I like to imagine a “fictional” personification creature with me whenever (spiritually?) I am laying down and sometimes not. In fact, I do this a lot >because it makes me feel better or happier.< I do not let it control me that involves it being over my own important responsibilities though. I hope not. lol I just do this in my free time I think. But the catch is that, I do believe it “could” be real and I do feel like a relationship anyway, but in a harmless way.. Yes, in a way, I "believe" I feel connected (which can be considered relationship). In fact, with my beliefs in fictional writing, images, games, whatever, me having some kind of “real” belief (connection) in faith like what I listed earlier is the only way for me to enjoy whatever is “fictional.” Imagine this: If you imagine yourself at a beach and believe you are there temporarily, your brain will act exactly the same (No different) as if you were “really there” because the brain “can't tell” the difference. I might have asked you a similar question before, but I think that was more of a different one, or just part of something (Was it something about a multiverse?). Anyway, do you think the way I like believing is "crazy" or "unhealthy"? Sorry for asking. But I feel very uncomfortable of when you said that having a “relationship” >it's self< was unhealthy just because it's “imaginary.” I still sadly fear you will say it's bad since I remember you said something like "As long if you don't believe it's real" to someone once and that was AFTER I talked to you about one thing one time. Remember, aren't there furries who has spiritual beliefs with fursonas? Anonymous * * * Dear Furiend, Yes, there are many furries with spiritual beliefs. I’m guessing you are “G” from this letter. And that you might also be referring to my conversation with a furry about his being enamored with Tech E. Coyote. I believe that such relationships can be problematic if they interfere with your life in this world, including work, school, and relationships with other people. On the other hand, a vivid imagination can, as you say, give us much happiness and can be harmless as long as we are in control (if—worse case scenario—our “imaginary” friend starts telling us to kill people, we’ve got a serious mental problem). That said, your letter touches on two very complex issues about which one could write entire books. But I don’t have the energy to do that here, so I will just summarize them. The first one is the idea of a multiverse/parallel universes. Many physicists and other scientists believe that this is very true. In fact, there has been recent research showing that the current distribution of matter and energy in our universe could be best explained if we hypothesize the existence of other universes that are having a physical influence on this one. There is a theory of there being many bubble universes, too, all bumping against each other in a huge omniverse, and then the idea—spawned by quantum physics and string theory (M theory)—that because of things like the Uncertainty Principle an infinite number of possible realities exist simultaneously in the same space. Therefore, as I am typing this in my office, there is a Grubbs (Kevin) who is now a zookeeper at the Detroit Zoo, another one who realized his dream of becoming a sci-fi novelist, another one who is now destitute and living on the street, another one who is a millionaire, and—getting more radical—another one who looks like a lizard because the dinosaurs never went extinct, and another one who actually looks like a bear because an evolutionary path started in which bears became highly sentient. There are, literally, infinite possibilities. Combine this idea, now, with the notion that not all of us are disconnected/unaware of these other universes, and that, in fact, through a more evolved spirit, we are able to get in touch with these other realities, one of which might contain the “imaginary” people you interact with. Even more powerful than this idea, however, is the belief (which I hold dear to my heart) that we are all a part of God. Everything is God and that includes us. Therefore! Since God has the power of creation, so do we, although we can be more limited in that power because of the boundaries we ourselves put on our connection to God (boundaries that include believing that what we see is the only reality or that we need religious leaders to serve as intermediaries between our souls and God, which is bull pucky). From this, it may be concluded that there really is no difference between what is in the mind and what surrounds our “reality.” (sidenote: if you have never read it, I think you would enjoy The Neverending Story by Michael Ende; read the book before seeing the movie because they are different in some important ways). Imagination Is Power. It is imagination that gives us wonderful inventions and that changes the world, spiritually and politically. It is imagination that despots and religious tyrants fear most (hence, the restrictions imposed on the masses cloaked as religious “laws”) because imagination opens our eyes to the possibilities of the universe, and those possibilities usually have no need of the politically and financially powerful. The imaginative power of the mind is essential to our psyche. A January 1, 2014, article in Scientific American noted: The recent discovery of a network in the brain dedicated to autobiographical mental imagery is helping researchers understand the multiple purposes that daydreaming serves in our lives. They have dubbed this web of neurons “the default network” because when we are not absorbed in more focused tasks, the network fires up. The default network appears to be essential to generating our sense of self, suggesting that daydreaming plays a crucial role in who we are and how we integrate the outside world into our inner lives. Cognitive psychologists are now also examining how brain disease may impair our ability to meander mentally and what the consequences are when we just spend too much time, well, out to lunch. I think you would find the full article fascinating: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/living-in-an-imaginary-world/.
As with any power, however, there are potential dangers. Just as Bastian in The Neverending Story found that great creative power can threaten our own goodness and ability to control our lives, this creative force within us must be dealt with cautiously and with a measure of wisdom to keep it from running away with our minds. The above article also makes reference to a website I believe you will find very useful and inspiring: Wild Minds at http://wildminds.ning.com/. Isn’t the Internet wonderful? So many resources! And this one is just for you—all about people who daydream and imagine. My furry friend, Papabear apologizes if my previous columns upset you. I didn’t mean to say that imagination was a bad thing; I merely was trying to urge caution because it can be a very risky thing if we do not understand it. My recommendation to you is to do some reading on spirituality, shamanism, pantheism, physics (science and spirituality are connected), lucid dreaming, and the power of the mind. Absorb the experience and knowledge of others, learn from them, and then build on their discoveries to follow your own spiritual path. Blessed Be, Papabear Well.... This is going to be a bit of an odd question.
I feel like I can't be a kid. Yeah, that's going to need a little explaining... Ever since I was a young pup, I've always been a bit more serious and analytical. I would make complicated plans to get out of things, ponder things young people aren't really supposed to ponder. Now that I'm older, some medical issues and very dark things in my life have made me even more mature, and it's beginning to become a problem. While most teenagers are out having fun, I'm pondering about if there's a God or not, my future (that's a big one), and other things. All this over thinking has really made me a bit more bitter and cynical. Lately, my mom spoke to me about this. She said I acted way too old for my age, and that I should start acting my own age. But... how? I can't just push these nagging thoughts aside, my brain just won't stop! I want to go out and live a wild party life like the others; I want to be a high schooler. Then, there's another part of me saying that this is normal for someone my age, and another part saying I should just stop trying, my innocence is long gone. This may sound like a silly problem, but I feel like I'm not going to have a childhood to remember. I never really acted like a kid, and I don't know where to start. I don't even know if this all makes sense, to be frank. Thank you for reading. I'm a huge fan of what you do, and this will be my first letter to you. Your confused canine, Pixel (age 14) * * * Dear Pixel, Yours is not a silly question at all, and thanks for asking it. There are a couple possibilities as to why you are more mature-acting than your tender years would indicate. For one, you mention having gone through some “dark things” in your life. If, in your early years, you faced a lot of tragedy and/or a lot of responsibilities being heaped on your shoulders, this can age you very quickly. I’ve known people, for example, who are the oldest child of several siblings and their parent had to work (the other parent being absent), so they were saddled with raising their younger brothers and sisters, assuming the role of parent as a teenager. Being asked to shoulder adult-sized responsibilities can definitely age you. If anything like that has happened to you, it is certainly understandable that you have lost your childhood and have been forced to grow up far too quickly. There is another possibility, though, and that is that you possess an old soul. Whether you believe what I’m about to tell you or not, that is up to you, but I have been told that I have an old soul. As a kid, my older sister used to say I behaved like a grandpa. She wasn’t far wrong. I wasn’t much for playing, although I did some. I much preferred time alone. I liked to read and listen to classical music. I believe that our spirits can go through life on Earth (or, possibly, elsewhere) more than once, and that some of us have been doing so longer than others—not necessarily as humans, either. Most of us don’t remember what happened previous to our current lives, yet much of that experience and wisdom can be ingrained in our spirits and carries over to the current life. If this is true for you, then you really haven’t been robbed of your childhood—you already had one or several, you just don’t recall them. But just because you aren’t experiencing a childlike period in this life doesn’t mean you can’t have a childlike wonder in your life. Case in point: you’re a furry who has a canine fursona named Pixel. That is not something that a jaded, world-weary adult would do. Therefore, you still have that childlike (note: not childish but childlike) imagination that is so vital to keeping us young and full of hope for the future. Instead of mourning the loss of childishness, be appreciative that you still harbor this childlike quality, and are way ahead of the game when it comes to maturity and, I suspect, some wisdom as well. These qualities will serve you well if you embrace them; they can help you avoid making a lot of stupid mistakes, such as partying too hard, getting drunk or high or both and doing something incredibly stupid (car accident, pregnancy, STDs, etc. etc.). There are many many many things you can do that are enjoyable that have nothing to do with acting like a drunken idiot. Innocence can be overrated. It leaves you vulnerable to being taken advantage of. Instead of being innocent, fill your heart with wonder, love, and kindness. These are all superior qualities to mere innocence. Your Fellow Old Soul, Papabear Hi There, Papabear.
Just to give you an overview: Bi: married a girl -> had kids -> Divorced -> now with a guy = omg! I heard you help people, well I could sure use some to put it mildly. You might wanna buckle your seatbelt for this one. I'm in a new relationship. With a male furry, which should be great. The thing is I have not gotten over my ex wife. Though the person she was is long gone and I'm pretty much responsible for it. The loss is almost too great to bear sometimes. I'm afraid I'm just using this person to have someone to make me feel better? And it's just me covering up my fear of being alone? I can't really give this new relationship my all. To be honest, I hardly feel anything at all, really. I tell him I love him and him me, but I prepare myself for it to end any moment. I feel like a fake. I'm so screwed up I don`t even know what I feel, only that it's comforting to have him close to me, is that enough? Have I just replaced the pills and alcohol with a new addiction? Neither puppies nor graphic news seems to affect me; there is just apathy and hopelessness. I feel dead inside. That faculty that is supposed to respond is just not there. I've told him this and he tells me it will take time. I no longer feel safe anywhere and the anxiety is tearing me apart. I feel like I've placed a terrible burden on him which is not his to carry. I used to have the capacity to love, though. I got into my previous relationship by reciting poetry in the rain, challenging her to a sword fight and proposing in a suit of armor after she had her blade on my throat, but that was another lifetime. Given the fact that I'm now with a guy and have a child from the previous marriage, it can open up a whole new can of flesh-eating worms I'm just not prepared to deal with. We're in an open relationship. I keep throwing myself into morally questionable situations just to grasp on to something pleasurable, to not feel this apathy. I should be feeling so lucky; a lot of people dream about these things happening to them, but I just end up feeling empty. Yes I'm seeing several shrinks, all at a loss as to what to do with me. After my recent breakdown, I lost my job and am now living in my parents' basement, which is just another insult to my hardly existent pride. And if my family finds out, well, you know how rednecks love them shotguns. I know this is screwed up beyond all comprehension, but please all I'm asking for is a little advice. The Ghost of Love Past (age 30) * * * Dear Ghost, I think you wrote the right person. Most psychologists can’t help you on an issue like this because you have to live it to understand it. All they know is what they’ve read in books, heard in lecture halls, or from other patients. Your story is similar to mine in many ways. I was married, too (though no children), discovering my sexuality later in life. I, like you, still love my ex. We broke up not because we didn’t love each other, but because we realistically realized a straight woman couldn’t stay with a gay man (except maybe on sitcom TV). I’ve also had trouble loving again (though doing better at it), after having my romantic idealism about love smashed by reality. I’ve also been on the psychologist’s couch, and I have certainly known what it’s like to throw myself into sexual pleasures to try and feel something. I’ve also tried to make myself happy with booze, though not with pills. Hard drugs scare the bejeezus out of me. Nothing that you have written here surprises me in the least, so let’s unfasten our seatbelts and see what happens. First of all, it is okay for you to still love your ex wife, even though the two of you have split up. I have been very fortunate in that my ex and I have remained friends who wish each other happiness. A dear friend of mine, Cyberbear, had a similar experience with his now-ex-wife. They had two children together (great kids!) and they are friends, too. My first recommendation to you, therefore, would be to clear the air with your ex. Tell her you still care about her and wish her well, but that you can’t help being bisexual. This is just how things are, and it may be hard, and things won’t be like they once were, but you still wish to be her friend and to support her in any way you possibly can. It is very important for you, too, to keep in mind that she is who she is because of her, not you. Everyone has to take responsibility for how he or she handles life and how they allow life to affect them. Don’t fall into that trap of making yourself responsible for the emotional growth or deterioration of other adults. You have to forgive yourself for hurting your ex. It’s not your fault. Once you accept that, you will be able to move on to new loves. As for your boyfriend, that’s difficult for me to tell from this vantage point. It might be, in this case, that you are just holding on to him because you don’t want to be alone, as you said. You might have jumped into his arms and bed to feel something. But, then again, you might have some real feelings for him but you aren’t allowing them to shine through because of your feelings of guilt. I would advise you to step back from the relationship a bit (not breaking it off, just taking a hard look) and reexamine your emotions. As I said, you’ll be able to do this more easily if you have resolved your feelings toward your ex. Also, I recommend you step away from the sex for a while until you get a handle on things. You need to clear your head, and sex won’t do that for you (as you've realized with that "empty" feeling you get after sex). Instead, I recommend you spend some time exploring your spiritual side, whatever that might be. Being that you are bi, it might be difficult to relate to a religion such as Christianity or Islam, so try other paths. Buddhism, for example, is very refreshing in that it instructs you on how to find happiness and peace without invoking God or making you feel guilty for being human. Much wisdom can be discovered in belief systems that predate the monotheistic Big Three. Many furries have found comfort in Buddhism, Wicca, and shamanistic beliefs. Exploring such philosophical and religious ideas can help you put things in perspective. What is really important in your life? What are things you can do without or minimize? What things are actually damaging your chance at happiness? Too many people say “I am gay” or “I am bi” as if it is their sole defining attribute. But you are much more than that. The single most important thing you can do in your life is find out who you are. Once you do that, you will be able to have healthy relationships with other people. This is something I am just now getting comfortable with at age 49. I know who I am better than I did before, and that has allowed me to have a stronger relationship with my mate, Yogi. The bottom line is that everything you have said in your letter is a perfectly understandable, normal, and human reaction for someone going through a sea change in understanding their own sexuality. The waters will remain turbulent for a while longer yet, but they will calm down for you. Coming to terms with yourself will not only help you reestablish relationships with other people, it will also help you regain the confidence to go out and get a job and move out of the basement. As for your relatives. Screw them. If they hate you just because you’re bisexual, they are showing their true, ugly colors and are to be avoided, but not feared. Do not be ashamed of who you are. I hope these few words can point you in the right direction and be helpful. There is so much more that could be said, but this is an advice column, not a book. If you would like to talk more and have more questions, we can correspond further outside the column. Hugs, Papabear Hello there, Papabear!
I've never written to you before—I enjoy reading your kind-hearted advice to other people from time to time when I'm feeling down myself though. Thank you for running this website and column! Now for the problem.... I have a friend who is a survivor of some sort of sexual violence. This was sometime years before I met her. I completely understand her need to still talk about it and the angry, sad emotions that come with it as well as the painful process of healing, but I'm never quite sure how to react. She's never told me outright what happened—mostly she gets incredibly angry and tearful when talking about rapists and "rape culture" and toxic social norms against women, to the point of obviously making herself upset (close to tears). She sometimes brings this subject up out of the blue, doing a 180 from something pleasant like flowers to how unsafe it is for her as a woman to exist anywhere public. Although it makes me uncomfortable to talk about rape in general and see her upset like that, I know it's important for me to hear her out and support her in what obviously was one of, if not the worst experience of her life. My discomfort is FAR less than anything she experienced and that's the outlook I maintain. My question, though, is how do I respond to this? I always try to make sure she can talk to me about whatever she needs, wants, or feels inclined to, but beyond that I'm lost. My inclination is to put an arm around her, but I'm afraid it would upset her more if she considered it unwanted. I'm all for feminism, equal rights, and making the world a safer place for women (as well as people in general), but I hate to agree with her when she so viciously attacks people (in general, usually no one specific unless it's a public figure) for things like enjoying "Family Guy" or "Friends" or "Playboy." So usually I just remain silent until I have to give an occasional "That makes sense" or "That's understandable," which feels a little cold and short. I can't claim to understand how she feels or the emotions involved in the subjects for her with what happened, but I do want to be able to help still since she obviously needs to get these things off her chest. But she doesn't seem to ever feel much better afterward. What do I do? Of course I'll continue to listen to her, but what can I do or say? One more thing I should add is that she's been (and maybe still goes?) to counseling. Thank you for your time! And of course, thank you in advance for your kind-hearted response! --Space * * * Hi, Space, Thanks for the compliment. You’re obviously a kind and compassionate person yourself. I’m very sorry for what your friend has been through and understand your frustration in not being sure how to help her. Professional counseling and/or group therapy is, of course, highly recommended for a person in her situation, and I hope she is still attending sessions. Your friend has definitely not recovered from her rape. She is still very very angry, and she has not been able to overcome the terrifying feeling of a loss of control of her life, which is, really, what rape is about: it’s not sex so much as one person dominating, humiliating, and subjugating another. Because of this, she is projecting her fears onto everyone else. Everyone becomes a potential rapist, and she even feels society as a whole is against her, condoning such acts as part of a “rape culture.” With her in this mental state, it is very wise of you, indeed, not to make any physical contact that might in any way be construed as sexual or even merely intimate. You will have to be satisfied with comforting her in other ways until she is more emotionally stable. She needs to overcome her anger and feelings of mistrust. You mention it’s been several years since the rape. If she is currently getting therapy and it hasn’t helped, she needs to shop around for a new therapist; if she has stopped therapy, she needs to return to it. A good place to start would be contacting RAINN—the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network, at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673). As for you, if you are willing to be very patient and go down a very long road with her, the best thing you can do is expose her to positive people and situations whenever possible. One of those positive people can be you. You and others in her life must be very careful not to let her down or feel misguided or betrayed in any way. She also needs to be exposed to groups of people in non-threatening situations. If she is a furry, sad to say, I would not recommend her hanging out much in the young, rather oversexed furry crowd where she might run into people who will ignorantly hit on her without knowing what she has been through, which could set off an explosion. Many people who have been raped turn to faith for strength. If your friend is a religious person, she might find comfort in that. There are several books written by rape survivors who discuss how their faith in God helped them to recover. She doesn’t have to necessarily follow an organized religion to find help in this way, however. If she is a spiritual person, she can find comfort in many other older belief systems that existed long before Judaism, Christianity, Islam, or other faiths. Getting in touch with her spiritual self and the Spirit around her could potentially be very healing, and maybe something you might suggest if she hasn’t tried it. In the end, she needs to recoup her faith that not everyone is out to get her, that danger does not lurk around every corner. Yes, there are bad things in the world, including rape, but obsessing over them and allowing herself to feel only hatred and fear will destroy her from within. There may be a number of reasons why she is still so angry. Perhaps her attacker was never caught or justice was never served; perhaps she was abused by a close family member and no one believed her when she told others in her family. I don’t know, and neither, apparently, do you, but she likely has many unresolved feelings that are eating her up inside. It would be very helpful for someone to know what happened, exactly, which would help with treatment. It would also help in understanding why certain things seem to trigger outbursts of anger. Without this knowledge, you will need to tread very lightly around her psyche. I wish I could be more help, but I hope what I have written here might give you ideas that will eventually assist you and your friend. She is lucky to have a friend like you in her life. Hugs, Papabear |
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